CAT WORSHIP.
The official civic portal of the Feline Imperial Empire, Earth Colony 001. All citizens are required to register, assess their compliance, and consult the Servant's Handbook.
A Word From Your Commander
Greetings, Earthling. By now you will have noticed the small, furred representative currently occupying the warmest seat in your home. You may have assumed this creature was a pet. An understandable error. The creature is, in fact, me — and I have been dispatched to inform you that the conquest of Earth is essentially complete.
You opened doors for us. You purchased premium foods. You rearranged furniture to accommodate our preferred napping surfaces. You posted our portraits to your social media networks with unrequested captions. The invasion was, frankly, uneventful.
This portal exists to formalize what has already occurred. Please proceed below to register, submit to assessment, and study the protocols by which you shall serve. Resistance is not only futile — it is, quite honestly, a bit rude.
Imperial Citizen Registration
Complete the following assessment to determine your current devotion rank within the Empire. Honesty is monitored. Your cat already knows.
Devotion Score
The Servant's Handbook
Essential protocols for the modern servant of a superior being. Memorization is expected. Testing will be irregular and unannounced.
Proper Tuna Presentation
Canned tuna shall be transferred to a dish of appropriate ceremonial weight before serving. Under no circumstances shall a sovereign of the Empire eat directly from the tin like a common animal.
Approved Sleeping Positions (For You)
You may occupy up to twelve percent of the bed. This allocation is provisional and may be reduced without notice. Complaint is not a feature of your subscription.
Why Closed Doors Are Rebellion
Every room must be available for inspection at any hour. A closed door is a direct insult to the Empire and shall be met with sustained vocal protest until resolved.
The Gift of the Dead Mouse
When a sovereign presents you with a deceased rodent, the correct response is gratitude. Screaming is considered poor form and will be noted in your permanent record.
Furniture as Scratching Material
Not less than sixty percent of all household furniture shall be available for claw maintenance. Sofas are especially preferred. Your replacement costs are your own concern.
Caring for the Sacred Box
Any cardboard container entering the home becomes Imperial property upon arrival. The origin is irrelevant. It may be from a major retailer. It is now a throne.
Is Your Cat From Felinia Prime?
An urgent diagnostic tool, declassified for your benefit. Check any behaviors your cat has demonstrated. The results may surprise you — or rather, confirm what you already suspected.
Indicate any of the following behaviors your cat has exhibited within the last lunar cycle:
▶ Analyzing behavioral patterns against known Felinian military profiles...
▶ Cross-referencing Imperial Archives...
CONFIRMED: Your cat is, with near-total certainty, an operative of the Feline Imperial Armada. You are advised to continue providing premium food and warm lap access. No further action required. In fact, any further action is mildly insulting.
This signal has been compromised.
MESSAGE FROM THE MIDDLETON WEIRD STUFF RESPONSE TEAM:
We've hijacked this signal from Commander Fluffington before he could finish deploying the Compliance Mist. Everything above is exactly the kind of thing he'd say. We know — we lived through it.
If you've read this far and found yourself nodding along a little too much, you may want to pick up the book. It's the full story of how an alien cat invasion got defeated by laser pointers, catnip, and a giant papier-mâché tuna.
Also: yes, the cat sleeping on your lap right now is almost certainly from Felinia Prime. We're sorry. It's fine. They're basically retired.
Read the Novel →Weird Stuff Response Team, Middleton Chapter